When The Rainbow Becomes Grayish

 I dedicated this to myself who has always been flourishing to survive in every condition. 

It all started in 2017 when this girl almost graduated early from my undergraduate degree when her life had just come to a more stable and better direction. A very short, dark, but long-lived traumatic event happened unprecedentedly at the most unpredicted time and place. Her world then crumbled, scattered just like that, and was only leaving its shell which was then all broken left with nothing. The soul that I had been preserving, conserving carefully, meticulously, was scattered in and out just by one small yet big event. 

Those obnoxious hands, mouths, and body, all were vividly still living in her head. Words by words, touch by touch, all were still saved boiling inside her mind waiting for the water to explode from its 200-degree pan.

Today, she still remembers how they looked like, how their corner mouths smiled deminishingly. And right at the last month of every year since, her brain, feeling and body seem to remember to mourn that past event.

Still, no one came as clean as a white A4 paper including her. She might burn, and salt away some memories that would hurt her pride which she can remember now. That girl, despite being harshly persecuted (according to me) verbally, and physically. Still, she tried to win over their heart and be very sweet to them till the reality wounded her over and over again. Leaving this girl as no more girl.

YEAY!! Gue Punya Paspor

So... today gue mau cerita tentang gue bikin paspor. It's not a fancy story tapi lumayan bermakna di hidup gue.

Tahun 2017 tahun dimana hidup gue rasanya kayak dibanting. I felt like I was in a dark age. Dark sekali sampe I dunno which tunnel I was in and there was no way back or any light. It was so dark. Fortunately, I passed that time. It is fine now haha.

Here, karena gue udah pengen banget punya paspor sejak gue kecil tapi gak kesampean-kesampean. Ya karena belum ada kepentingan juga untuk buat paspor hehe. But finally, sesuatu hal yang menurut gue mewah akhirnya bisa gue milikin jugaa... Yeay...

RESET

Reset /rēˈset/ 

v. 

set again or differently

Selama ini gue selalu wondering rasanya reset. Entah itu life reset, device reset, reset perasaan dan hal lainnya yang kita imagine bisa resetted. Gue selalu nggak punya keberanian atau confidence untuk melakukan reset. I’ve always been putting my last back up into my devices. Terkadang hal itu malah memberikan banyak keburukan dan bikin aku gagal move on.

Me as Hopers

Human a.k.a manusia, adalah mahkluk yang kadang nggak bisa kita prediksi. Entah pikiran mereka, hati mereka, perasaan mereka ataupun tindakan mereka.

Kadang kita berpikir seperti 

"Orang ini udah percaya banget dan pro banget sama gue, pasti dia ngerti apa mau gue dan bakal ngelakuin seperti apa yang gue mau." 

Aku dan Kebahagiaan

Selama ini gue merasa gue ga pernah bahagia. Gue merasa ditolak dihina diinjak dicaci ga pernah dianggap. Oke tolong jangan menghakimi dulu, karena itu menurut gue. Tapi hari ini di dalam angkot ijo sesak ini gue menyadari suatu hal yang harusny udah gue sadari sejak dulu kala. Bahwa tidak seharusnya gue hidup atas pandangan orang lain.

3 orang wanita masuk ke dalam angkot yang telah hampir sesak ini. Terlihat sedikit kikuk karena tak pernah naik angkot, mungkin. Dua diantaranya duduk di sebrangku, mengobrol bercanda dan membahas banyak hal. Engga, gye ga nguping cuman denger aja.

Lalu aku yang memang suka memperhatikan orang tak sengaja melihat wajahnya. Aku tidak jatuh cinta, melainkan memperhatikan wajahnya dengan seksama dan melihat apa yang ada di wajahnya. Terlintaslah pikiran laknat itu dalam otakku

"Hmm itu wajahnya banyak flegnya ... hmm wajah gue juga kayak gitu sih, tapi kayaknya wajah gue lebih baikan deh... coba ada si kaka disini, gue mau nanya deh.. 'wajah gue kayak gitu gak? Bagusan mana wajah gue sama dia' "

Dear the Worst Time

Kalo biasanya gue bahas hal2 yang mungkin ga penting banget atau hmmm ga jelas… kali ini gue pengen kasih tulisan spesial buat temen2 gue. Hehehehe

So…

To my Worst time a year ago,

Dear my friends that contributed in that time, I would say thank you from the deepest. To be honest I cannot be this mature without all what you’ve done that time. So thank you for all the worst times you’ve been given to me. Although it was really hard for me to accept the reality and starting over, I am very glad for that scars to be happened. I did deal with lots of stuff because of you guys for a year. It turned out to be the worst year in my life. But I’m still grateful.

Saying that I have forgiven you is still a hard thing. However, I’m still trying to give the thing called forgiveness. I know in your side you might always think that what you’d done to me was right. Well, I do understand that. But for me it was really not right and I believe in that. Truthfully there always been a slight thought that you guys might understand what I mean. But I know that we are not one person as in every person has their own thoughts.

In this life full of upside down, I hope you can survive, well I think you will despite of everything. But I do dearly hope that there will be no one to be your next target. I do sincerely hope that your life will be better.

For those who always stood for me in my worst time, I'm so grateful to be able having your care that time. It was really nice of you guys. :)) though your care did not really heal me thoroughly, but it also played a big role in my life. Thank you for calming me down, thank you for your hugs. Thank you for your companies, for those hateful and calming words, for all the swearing and your presents.

  

I end my war here.

Salah Sangka

Puhleeaasee.. Tolong jangan salah sangka sama gue!! hahahahhahaa

Iya, jadi malem ini temen gue tiba2 ngechat gw, nanyain pertanyaan yang aneh.

Enggak aneh2 banget si.. Cuman dia jarang aja nanya kayak gitu.

Biasa gue yang nanya, apa kabar? Lagi dimana? Lagi ngapain?

Udah kayak pacar posesif gak si?

Dia temen gue, cewek, asal jawa tengah, medok, ngapak original. Well, sekarang kalo ngomong basa indonesia udah engga semedok dulu sih. Tapi masih kedengeran medok dikit lah.

Sebelum gue ceritain isi chatnya, mending gue kasih tau dulu kondisi cuaca saat ini.

Sekarang hari sabtu, malem, hujan barusan banget berhenti. So, it feels like a bit gloomy.

Gloomy, dingin, petang, basah dan berisik (tetangga sebelah lagi nonton piala dunia).

Saat gue lagi enak2nya dengerin musik dan nonton MV-nya dari youtube di HP butut gue, tiba-tiba HP gue munculin notif. *Jreng* Gue biarin lah sampe MV-nya selesai. Gue kepo, karena gak biasa2nya, HP gue rame notif di sabtu malam.

BEING A "JOMBLO"

Hai, para Readers yang budiman. Kali ini gue kembali dengan tulisan tentang jombloooooooo...
Jadi gue tiba tiba kepikiran tentang ini, karena ga tau kenapa, sebagian orang di di sekitar gue yang jomblo akhir-akhir ini mulai lebih sering komplen tentang statusnya sebagai jomblo. Mungkin kami sudah mulai berumur 😁😁😁

Gue pernah denger dari orang yang gue ga kenal, they said jomblo is "hina", yang lain bilang "ya emang kenapa jomblo?" terus ada juga yang bilang kalo jomblo itu bukan pilihan hmmm. Ini tulisan gak bermaksut untuk menghina siapapun, okay!? Because just for your information, I am a super single means "Jomblo since birth" believe it or not, well that's me. Stop talking about me. let's get started.

A Misty Road I was Taking

Haloo, I'm back.

It's been a while since the last post, ya !!! So happy I can spare a time again on it.
in this post, I'll share about hmmm... how is it to walk in a misty road of my life.
Enjoy reading, everyone 😄😄😄😄

So, setelah perjalanan yang lumayan berat awal tahun ini, I decided to take no more care on anything I cared before. I just want to focus on anything that i want to achieve. There, my new journey had just started. Nevertheless, as you guys know, there's nothing easy on this world, right? that's a valid thing for me either. I tried and I fell, then I tried again and I fell again, till some times. But I never want to give up anymore. I really wanted to see what will happen when I did decide not to give up.

Then, everything started to run smoother and smoother until I felt that I had just healed. I also felt that everyone besides me was really very good persons as they were always there for me whenever I fell and vice versa. I felt the bliss just for those small things. But it all felt as sweet nothing in a flash. It did fluster me out.

LETTING GO

Hi!

It's a bit gloomy today haha. Dunno, maybe it's just me. 

This won't be a long thread like before. I'll just write it short, straight to the point.

So, letting go... every person must have experienced this kind of stuff, including me. haha (Getir)

Some say, it is easy to do but some say it is hard to do.

For me, I dunno whether it's hard or easy to do. 

I have no reason for that answer. Like the other persons, I also want to let go of anything that burdens me a lot.

I also want to have a normal life without this kind of resentment. 

But what can I do? I am just a helpless, powerless person. haha

I'm pretty sure, deep inside my soul I really want to let go of everything.

But trust me, I dunno how. I don't even bother my self to think about it, cause it would make me explode.

I am a normal human too, even I'm a bit weird. 

I have a limit in my life, I am not a God. 

Frankly saying, I just can't take it anymore.

I really truly want it to end. All the pain that I've carried.

All the pain that I don't even know where is the root laying.

I want them to stop. I ... I just can't take it anymore.

I want to let them go, all the pain.

THE MOST DIFFICULT TASK TO DO

Hi everybody!!

So happy to be back. So, in this happy beautiful and other expressions occasion, I'll talk about "Hal paling susah untuk dilakukan"

Remember, every person's point of views into something is different. Hence, I am here not to judge or to tell which one is true and which one is not. I am just sharing what's in my mind to the world. So, wise full readers I am gladly invite you to ask anything about what I've written or anything that bothers your mind because of me. So, please feel free to leave a comment or contact me. 😊😊😊

Jadi back to the topic. Apa sih yang paling sulit dilakukan selama kalian maupun aku hidup?
Well, gue yakin jawaban setiap orang pasti beda. Setiap orang punya pengalaman dan peristiwa-peristiwa hidupnya masing masing yang berbeda pada setiap orang. Begitupun dengan cara menyikapi setiap kejadian. Setiap orang memiliki cara tersendiri untuk menyikapi setiap peristiwa yang terjadi di dalam hidup mereka.

CHANGE

Change (v) merupakan bahasa inggris yang memiliki arti mengubah. Dia adalah kata kerja yang kadang paling gue benci. Tapi kalau kata tersebut disampaikan dengan baik, maka tidak akan sedikitpun kata itu akan melukai perasaan seseorang. Namun jika, penggunaan kata itu dibarengi dengan pemaksaan maka, there’s no chance that word will not hurt.

Terkadang apa yang diinginkan oleh seseorang yang kita sayangi bertolak belakang dengan keinginan kita. Bahkan bertolak belakang dengan diri kita. Atas nama rasa sayang kita mungkin akan menyerahkan diri dan membuka diri untuk mengikuti keinginannya. Tak ada yang salah dengan hal tersebut. Namun, semakin lama kita membuka diri kita semakin kita membiarkan orang itu take control of us. Well, nggak semua orang seperti itu, tapi ada beberapa orang yang akan merasakan hal seperti itu.